Coram Deo Blog
5 July 2009 at 9:58 pm by Bob Thune
· evangelicalism, family, masculinity
The post I am about to write is a dangerous one. Because I’m going to make some observations about the church.
There are two ways to do this. On the one hand, you can critique the church as someone who is disgruntled, self-righteous, and interested primarily in deconstruction. (This is the spirit that drives many of the young, “post-evangelical,” Emergent types). On the other hand, you can critique the church humbly and charitably, as one who loves her and is jealous for her good. (This is the spirit of the Reformers of old). I cannot claim that I have always avoided the former error. But I can say with integrity that my heart in this post is the latter. I always tell embittered evangelicals: don’t critique unless you’re willing to step up and do something about it. I believe church planting is one way of doing something about it, so I hope that qualifies me to offer some constructive criticism. I offer these reflections to others like me who find themselves unsettled at the state of Christianity in America. If you are a Christian – or a pastor – reading this, then we’re family. And in my family, we don’t always agree about everything – and it’s OK to talk about it. Let’s go.
This weekend I traveled out-of-state to visit some family. We attended church together on Sunday morning. The church we attended is a good church. It’s one of the most evangelical, missions-minded churches in its city. The people there love Jesus and love each other. The church hosts a Sudanese refugee congregation in its building. The pastor actually read the Bible during his sermon (in fact, he read almost a whole chapter of the Old Testament) instead of just telling stories. There is much to celebrate about this church.
But in spite of all this, my wife and I came away empty. Our souls weren’t gripped with a sense of the holiness and majesty and glory of God. The worship was very… safe. There was no talk of sin or repentance. Most importantly, the gospel was conspicuously absent from an otherwise suitable sermon. The pastor expounded the story of Joseph (Genesis 37-50) as a moral lesson about turning to God in hard times instead of pointing to Jesus as the “greater Joseph” who was delivered over to death and suffered injustice in order to bring deliverance to his brothers and sisters.
I don’t think this church necessarily wants to be this way. In fact, I think the people there long for something more. So what keeps it this way? Perhaps this is simply a church in need of renewal. Perhaps with a little prodding and a dose of the Holy Spirit’s conviction, the pastor, leaders, and members of this church would experience (and welcome) an awakening of gospel depth and devotion. But one very important factor is working against this outcome: the church has not intentionally created a masculine culture.
I don’t mean there aren’t men there. And I don’t mean this church is trying not to be masculine. I mean that they’re not intentionally shaping an environment that speaks to men. And as a result, they will find themselves unable to reach non-Christian men and turn them into godly men who take risks, fight sin, plant churches, and change the culture. Why do I say this? Consider three aspects of the church I visited that mitigate against a healthy spirit of biblical masculinity.
- Greeters. For some reason, lots of seeker-driven, attractional churches utilize official greeters to welcome people as they walk in the door. Which screams to every man: this is not a dude’s place. The places where men gather – bars, backyards, hunting grounds, sporting events – don’t have greeters. Dudes – at their extroverted best – give each other a head nod and say, “What’s up bro.” But a long extended handshake and a “so nice to see you this morning” screams “awkward” to most men. (If you are a man and you disagree with this, it’s probably because you’ve been walking into churches with greeters for so long that you’ve forgotten how strange it is.)
- Visitor-Focused Communication. Question: what makes people feel welcome? Many churches seem to think the answer is: going out of the way to communicate with “guests.” But this is easily overdone. The worship leader begins the service by welcoming guests. The pastor begins his sermon by welcoming guests. The paper products handed out at the door are targeted toward guests. The whole scenario is warm, nurturing, inviting, welcoming… and overdone. Dudes like control: they will decide if they want to fit in, and no one will force it upon them. And dudes like a challenge: men pursue women who are “hard-to-get” because, well, they’re hard to get. Churches that are overly welcoming say to men: “clingy relationship ahead.” Most dudes have already had one of those – and they aren’t looking for another.
- “Nice” Sermons. In David Murrow’s excellent book Why Men Hate Going to Church, he contrasts masculine values with feminine values. Men appreciate risk, adventure, competition, independence, and success. Women tend to value harmony, intimacy, stability, and relationship. In light of these differing values, most sermons don’t connect with men, because most sermons don’t talk about sin, judgment, repentance, and leadership. Men want to get punched in the mouth. Men want to rise to a challenge and show themselves competent. Men want their pastors to talk to them like their coaches talked to them – tough, honest, and direct. In this morning’s case, the pastor highlighted the theme of God’s presence in hardship in Joseph’s life. There was a lot of empathy and softness toward people going through tough times. But there was very little masculine exhortation. And like a chick flick, God’s faithfulness to Joseph turned out to have a happy ending. I couldn’t help but think of John the Baptist, who like Joseph was thrown in jail unjustly. God’s faithfulness to him meant his head got cut off. But you rarely hear that one preached.
In closing, I want to make one thing clear: I’m not out to insult the masculinity of these pastors or the men in their churches. In fact, it’s possible (maybe even likely) that you’re a masculine man attending (or leading) a feminized church. In the church I’m speaking of, there are a number of good men – some of them relatives of mine – who are following Jesus, leading their families, and seeking to make a difference in the world. My goal in this post is simply to call it like it is – and hopefully, to provoke prayerful change.
My longing is that the church will once again become a movement of godly men. If it doesn’t, we will pay the price in the coming generations.
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ryan on 6 July 2009 at 3:56 pm
Bob,
Do you think ‘a long extended handshake and a “so nice to see you this morning”’ can also (at times) signify respect and true genuineness? I wonder what the typical Coram Deo exchange will be like in 20+ years when the 20-30 year olds are then 40 and 50 years olds. I have a hard time seeing a lot of “What up Bro?” greetings in that setting.
just a thought…
Ryan
Eileen on 6 July 2009 at 9:17 pm
Thank you for this post. It put a name to what I have been longing for recently in my own church. Last Oct my husband of 20 yrs decided he didn’t want to be married to me any more and filed for divorce. A subsequent meeting with church elders was at best disappointing. There was no confrontation of sin, no tough questions asked. An agreement by my husband to go to individual counseling (he refused any marriage counseling) pleased them and there was never any follow-up. It angers me that my husband can walk away from his family and from a church he is a member of, attended regularly and served in for over 20 yrs and no one seems to care. The betrayal of my husband is compounded by the betrayal of a church full of men who stand by and do nothing.
Bob on 7 July 2009 at 6:27 am
Ryan,
The folks I met at the door were definitely genuine and respectful, I don’t think they were faking it. It’s not the genuineness and respect that I’m doubting, just the masculinity.
“Dudes – at their extroverted best – give each other a head nod and say, ‘What’s up bro.’”
C’mon, really? That’s just not true. Or at least it’s not very well nuanced. You can’t tell me you don’t see dudes shaking hands, slapping each other on the back, or embracing at bars, backyards, hunting grounds, and sporting events.
Bob on 7 July 2009 at 3:28 pm
yes… dudes who know each other already. Not dudes who have never met.
Eileen… I am grieved to hear of your situation and sad for the weakness of your church in dealing with it. May Jesus be an anchor for you in this time. Let me know if there is any way we can help.
Tim on 8 July 2009 at 8:58 am
Interesting thought about the greeter thing. Let me give a different perspective, though. If you were walking into a basketball stadium, no one would greet you (obviously). But if you were visiting a person’s house at the invitation of a friend, then you’d *expect* someone to greet you. Nothing would be worse than showing up new to dinner & being ignored the entire time.
Perhaps the problem is that we’ve set up the church as an entertainment arena rather than a house where the family of God gathers.
John on 8 July 2009 at 11:53 am
What happened to Travis’ longer comment? I thought he raised some fair concerns in response to the post and was looking forward to hearing Bob’s thoughts.
Trent on 8 July 2009 at 3:04 pm
Dangerous but good stuff Bob.
I read “Why Men Hate Going to Church” a few years back and most of the results David Murrow gets from his research resonated with my experience. The church I grew up in is definitely feminized. To the point that last mothers day, the pastor preached on how he thought God in the coming years would reveal himself as a woman… I’m pretty sure God is neither masculine or feminine, and I’m also really sure God revealed his fullness in Jesus already. Gospel depth is definitely lacking in a lot of evangelical christianity. Usually pastors fill that void with warm-fuzzy stories of moral successes instead… the men and the transforming power of the gospel are lost.
I agree on the greeters part too. Just a pleasantry that does more harm than good. It also tends to be a wife who signs up her husband to do it and drags him along to a worship service early. Rather that coming up with extra solutions, we should just seek transformation of our people. We don’t need greeters if our lay-leaders are intentional and leaning on the Holy Spirit. Then let everyone seek out others(newcomers) and be genuine rather than appointing 2 people to stand awkwardly at the door being atypically welcoming and nice. Simple put, let God grab who he wants. In my experience Coram Deo does pretty well with this.
Kathy on 8 July 2009 at 6:25 pm
Yes, why was the one critical (thoughtful, respectful, but critical) comment taken down? I was also interested to hear a response.
I don’t want anyone to think that Bob simply removed my post without following up. He and I are emailing about this back and forth in the way it probably should have been done in the first place.
If Bob feels that he should make a public comment about it he will and I’ll be okay with that. If not, that’s his perogative, and I stand by that decision.
My comment was on the combative side and the last thing I want to do is be devisive in our church. I want to apologize publicly to Bob and Will and the rest of the leaders in Coram Deo for posting this on the blog rather than bringing it to them personally.
Yes… Travis’ concerns warranted a personal conversation, not a blog conversation. That’s all. Thanks, Travis, for your humility.
Well I’m glad that Bob and Travis are talking personally. . . . .
I guess i would like to hear that conversation because I tended to agree with Travis.
I hold all of Bob’s concerns on the preaching of the word of God and the direct nature that our teaching should take.
I think the other points were somewhat up for debate and opinion. . .and while such a debate may not be profitable (I didn’t comment right away for this reason), I just think that the definition of masculinity was narrowed a bit in those cases. Guys are all over the map, and the reason they aren’t coming to church is because they are sinners who are resisting the Holy Spirit.
Thanks Bob, for continuing to think on how we can not “feminize” a gathering that, in it’s nature is trying to connect relationally, speak emotionally, and appeal to all kinds of people. Those are hard fences to walk on.
[...] Reflections on attending another church [...]
I think the church has to be very, very careful when it starts talking about “masculinity” because there is biblical masculinity and cultural masculinity and they are almost diametrically opposed. Biblical masculinity is a man leading his family in worship of the one true God, providing for them financially, with, if applicable, a wife and children who lovingly submit. Cultural masculinity is a do-it-yourself, home improvement man who’s a little rough around the edges, loves sports (especially UFC/MMA), can get any woman he wants, etc. The former model is what I’m trying to model to my son. The later model is absent of any realization of our Creator and His Son that was sent to die on a cross.
By the “worlds” standards, my dad isn’t a man’s man. He loves to garden, has a Doctorate in Choral Conducting, isn’t much into sports, and loves classical music. However, if I can live a life that even closely approximates my father’s love for the Lord and his family, I will consider that a success. My dad teaches at one of the most secular colleges in the country, and is unashamed of his faith and regularly invites students into his home. That’s true masculinity, living the elder qualities listed in 1 Tim and Titus.
When the church calls its men to true biblical masculinity and its women to true biblical femininity, it’s so distinct from outside the church that lives can’t help but be changed. Churches that do that effectively change families and lives forever. Let’s do that. We’ll get caught up less in the mechanics of greeters and handshakes and will instead focus more on the transformation possible through the gospel.
[...] (Read the original post in its entirety: Reflections on Attending Another Church) [...]
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